I'll lay down in our loneliness
by DanilaRufly
Summary: Rayna: "I never lost faith in You and I have not lost faith in You now". This calls for a little trip back in time, don't you think? Let's go back to 1999 and find out what really happened to Rayna and Deacon and their relationship before he left for Utah to start rehab for the fifth time.
1. Chapter 1 - Unbearable

**AN: **_Hey y'all! So, here I am again with a brand new multichapter Deyna fic. And to think I swore to myself this would never see the light of the day. Aaaah the things this ship does to me! After watching the scene where Rayna and Deacon fight in front of his house many many times, this idea hit me and I found myself typing away on my phone in the middle of classes, in bed at night, while I was jogging (yes, it happened and I didn't hit a tree, go me!). I couldn't stop myself. But I was very reluctant about writing a fic set in the past, basically because I fear Callie Khouri is going to ruin how I envisioned those events with one of her brilliant ideas (which I have a feeling is going to happen real soon, please have mercy on me). Eventually with sparklymichelle's encouragement and blessing, after months I found the courage to take this leap and finally publish it. So I guess you have her to blame if you don't like this. YaY. Lol No, just kidding point the gun here.  
This story is going to have 4 chapters in total and will give you a chance to take a look into Rayna's life in the 4 days before Deacon's last rehab attempt. Did Rayna really lost faith in him as he claimed? Was that really the last straw for her? Well here's what my mind has come up with. Ratings are going to change around chapter four, thought I should warn you.  
Well enough with the rambling, I hope you enjoy this and try to keep in mind these are not the characters you're used to see on your TV every Wednesday, they're younger and more immature and going through a very difficult time of their lives, so if you find any of them out of character this might explain it a little bit. With a bit of luck.  
Happy reading! _

_**Friday June 4th 1999**_**  
**

**BOK Center – Tulsa, OK. -**_** 1.10PM**_

Rayna was sitting on the edge of the stage, crossed ankles swinging back and forth, eyes were fixed on the backstage door. The big green 'exit' neon light starting to make her eyes sore. She could hear her band and crew murmuring around her, but she couldn't care less about their complaints and annoyed groans. She was going to wait for that door to open and make the realization she was worrying over nothing sink in. Much to her surprise the door opened one minute later. Rayna held her breath, relief ready to wash over her. Everybody turned around as they heard the anti-panic handles click and looked in that direction. A roadie with a toolbox walked in, a confused expression appeared on his face when he noticed his entrance had been followed by several growls and cuss words. Rayna shook her head disappointed and closed her eyes, withdrawing into her shell. She didn't need all the negativity surrounding her to add to the worry and sick-at-my-stomach feeling she was already dealing with. Taking a couple of deep breaths she opened her eyes again, unable to resist the urge to let them fall once again on the big black door.

"Okay guys" Bucky clapped his hands together demanding everyone's attention. "We've waited long enough. I think we shall start." He gestured to the band to collect their instruments and gather on stage.

"Bucky!" Rayna hissed in disbelief. She pushed herself off the stage and chased after him.

"Steve you know what to do." Bucky patted a tall black guy's back as he walked past him with his scarlet red guitar. The guy nodded in response and made his way to the center of the stage.

"Bucky!" Rayna wrapped her hand around his bicep and pulled him back. She instantly regretted it as she took in the look on his face when he turned around. He was livid, quite literally.

"This is a 20,000 people venue Rayna. You go on stage and do your job." Her manager said between gritted teeth. "Now." He urged her. She knew better than argue with him when he was that mad. So she obliged and reluctantly walked on stage. After all they had a pretty big show that night and as much as they felt like a well-oiled machine thanks to the many rehearsals and shows they had under their belt, they could not rest on their laurels.

"Alright." She unhooked the microphone from its stand and turned around to give the band instructions. "Uhm….let's start with 'It's my life' and then we'll go according to the set list, I just want to try the new song first. How does that sound?" Some nodded, some held up thumbs, some did nothing but plugged their instruments, not much enthusiasm was shown towards the Country star. She sighed and turned around, giving her band her back. Their lack of keenness and palpable irritation were only making her nervous and she was already dealing with an awful lot of anxiety on her own. Rayna put her earpieces on and patiently waited for her cue.

"Get off my bedside. I might do something right. Get off my-No no no." Rayna shook her head and took the earpieces out. "Steve You're cranking it up, come on." She groaned in annoyance looking at the guy on her left.

"Rayna I literally played 3 notes." Steve objected, incredulous.

"And I could barely hear my voice over them." Rayna scoffed.

"What?" Steve looked at the other band members for support, but got a lot of head-shakes in return.

"Listen, It's either you or those damn amps." She pointed to the amps at the feet of the stage.

"I know It's not me." He retorted in a huff.

"Okay somebody check the goddamn amps then." Rayna hollered to the crew guys who were standing on the right of the stage. Once she got the okay they had checked them out and everything was fine, Rayna nodded at the drummer and waited for him to count them in.

"Get off my bedside. I might do something right. Get off my wavelength, you're always telling me what to do, how to…act how-what…Sorry you guys." Rayna messed with the lyrics. She could not shush that voice inside her head telling her something was not right, it was hard to focus on anything but that strange feeling in the pit of her stomach. "My bad." She apologized holding her flat palm up and trying not to meet anybody's gaze, especially her manager's. "Once again, from the top." She encouraged the band, who looked like was about to cry in protest any moment now.

"Get off my bedside. I might do something right. Get off my wavelength, you're always telling me what to do, how to act, how's a girl supposed to think. You keep tu-" Rayna unwittingly stepped on the guitar's wire and unplugged it, producing a deafening noise. "Gosh I'm sorry!" She quickly apologized to Steve who unstrapped his guitar and put it down. Rayna looked around her, the violinist and bass player had unplugged their instruments as well. She caught their drifts and sighed. "Okay y'all, let's take a break." Bucky offered his hand to Rayna to help her get off the stage, her shaking hand gripped his tightly and that earned her a reassuring squeeze. That two minutes long rehearsal had been a disaster to put it mildly and she had a show in less than 8 hours.

"Where the hell is he?" Rayna tried to keep the tone of her voice low, but the microphone in her hand was still on and her voice boomed out in the whole arena, making everybody's stare fall on her. She blushed and increased her speed, holding even more tightly on her manager's hand.

"I'll be damned if I know." Bucky whispered back pushing her through the stage door.

**1.30 PM**

Rayna was pacing back and forth in her dressing room, biting her nails from worry and royally screwing her morning manicure together. Her brain kept making up excuses and gave her a hundred likely to be demolished reasons. She could feel a hell of a headache coming up, just when she thought she was over and done with that particular kind of headache. She looked down at the phone in her hand once again. No incoming calls, no missed calls, no anything. She held it up and swung it above her head from left to right a couple of times, hoping there was no coverage in there, but the five signal bars laughed straight to her face. Was she supposed to feel relieved it hadn't rung yet or start freaking out for the same exact reason? She threw it on the couch on her left and let out an exasperated groan. Was there really nothing she could do? Did Bucky honestly expect her to sit down and wait while he was making phone calls and asking people around? She took one of the daisies standing in a vase in front of her in her hand and started picking out petals off if it. By the time the vase had been emptied and a pool of petals had formed at her feet, a hand touched her shoulder and shook her out of her reverie.

"Hey" Rayna jumped up. "Sorry I didn't want to startle you" Teddy leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Ready for lunch?" He tenderly whispered in her ear before pressing his lips to her cheek again.

"Sorry no time for lunch, we haven't even started rehearsals yet." Rayna took a step forward to get out of his line of fire, every kiss and every touch felt like taking a shock.

"What do you mean? I thought you were supposed to start at noon?" He scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion.

"There's been a delay." Rayna cut short. He wouldn't have understood, just like her band and Bucky and probably everyone she knew.

"A delay?"

"Yes, a delay Teddy." She snorted and sat on the couch resting her head against it.

"Hey why are you mad at me?" Teddy asked taken aback by her demeanor, hurt traceable in his voice.

"I am not. I'm just…." Rayna trailed off looking at the ceiling above her. She didn't want Teddy to get involved, her private life and her career needed to stay separate. It took her over a decade to understand the importance of that, but eventually she learned the lesson. Bucky walked into the room then, his phone latched to his ear. Rayna was sure he was trying his best to track him down but by the look on his face she could tell he hadn't had any luck so far.

"What's going on here?" Teddy asked to no one in particular, fine with whoever would have graced him with an explanation.

"Listen, why don't you go back to the hotel and I'll meet you there later?" Rayna offered, trying to sound nice and loving, but without accomplishing neither of the tasks.

"I can stay if you want." He smiled hearteningly at her and walked over to the couch, he reached out for her and cupped her face with his hand, tenderly stroking her cheekbone with his thumb. With a jump, Rayna got on her feet and leant down to grab her phone.

"Stay, go, whatever Teddy." She grumbled. "I need some fresh air." Walking past Bucky she stormed out the room, her phone glued to her right hand as though her life relied upon it and in a way she felt like it did.

**1.53 PM**

"What time is it again?" Rayna ran a hand through her auburn locks as she leaned against the brick wall of the BOK Center, an uncountable number of trucks and buses protecting her from the screaming fans and paparazzi camped right outside the parking lot.

"About two minutes later than the last time you asked." Bucky answered uncrossing his arms and stretching them out a little bit.

"Bucky?" She let out an exasperate sigh.

"1.53" He conceded looking down at the watch on his wrist.

"Where the hell is he? Honestly!" Rayna threw the cup of coffee Bucky had offered her minutes before against the truck parked right in front of her, creating a coffee painting on its door Picasso would have been proud of. Bucky looked at her in disbelief, that was not the Rayna Jaymes he knew. His hands grasped her shoulders firmly and pinned her against the wall keeping her still. Rayna knew her manager never dug her diva tantrums, no matter how few and far between them they had been over the years. But this time was different, she was just trying to release the tension and concern she had started collecting a couple of hours before.

"I've said this before and I'll say it again there's going to be 20000 people here tonight Rayna. It's a goddamn sold-out show! GET IT TOGETHER!" He roared shaking her shoulders as though he was trying to wake her up, to put some sense into her. "I don't care how you do it, just do it." He let go of her and took a few steps back. Rayna looked down, ashamed of herself for leaving everybody hanging. She was torn between staying and leaving right now. "You might depend on him, but this show can't and this show won't. " He pointed his index at her. "Ten minutes, that's all my giving you. Find him, find a replacement, find a clone, I don't care. Ten minutes is all you've got." He then turned around and walked away leaving a teary eyed Rayna all alone in the empty lot dealing with that chocking burden on her chest. She knew Bucky was right, she knew she was not being her usual professional self, but she just couldn't help it. Trusting her sixth sense was something she had learned by living with someone like him. She learned the hard way to always trust that gut feeling and so far it had never failed her. No matter how hard she was trying not to pay no attention to it, the strong feeling something was not alright wouldn't leave her body and the more minutes passed the more it was intensifying.

**2.02 PM **

Rayna could not take it anymore. She had to do something, she needed to do something other than wait and careening towards a mental breakdown. On her way back to her dressing room, she spotted her. In different circumstances she would have never even dreamed of approaching her, let alone have an actual talk with her, but hard times call for drastic measures. They both knew were they stood. So far they had managed to keep their relationship strictly professional and actually be very polite to one another in front of the rest of the band. It was public knowledge her violinist and lead guitarist had the hots for each other and Rayna would have bet her bottom dollar they had gotten intimate on more than one occasion. Truth be told nobody ever saw them having any public display of affection, which didn't mean nothing was going on between them. Weirdly enough the country star and her ex boyfriend had initialed this tacit agreement of not rubbing their new partners into the other's face. They both had too much respect towards what they shared together to inflict that kind of pain upon themselves. And anyways, according to the rumors swirling around about him, Aubrey was not the apple of his eyes. There were many apples or so she had been told.

"Hey Aubrey? May I have a word with you?" Rayna hesitantly cornered the short brunette who was on her knees locking her violin in its case.

"Sure. What's up?" She lifted her face up smiling at her. Well it was one of those fake smiles girls put on when they get second place at a beauty pageant, but Rayna appreciated the effort.

"Uhm….I know this is none of my business and trust me I couldn't care less" Rayna began, wanted nothing more but not to be misunderstood. "But…." She wetted her lips nervously "uhm… did you see Deacon last night?" Rayna bit her lip, regretting her choice of words as they were rolling off her tongue.

"You're right, this really is none of your business." The girl let out a laugh and shook her head as she pushed herself up in one swift motion.

"He hasn't shown up yet and nobody has heard from him or seen him in the past twelve hours, I am worried. I just need you to tell me if you know where he might be or-"

"Listen" Aubrey rudely interrupted her. "I am here to play. That's what I am paid for. All the Deacon and Rayna's crap? I'm not interested really. I knew this day would come and I told Deacon several times I did not want to get involved into this. Sorry. He's the one you share history with, not me. I have nothing to say to you." And with that she made an attempt to walk away, but Rayna stepped to the side and positioned herself in front of her again.

"Are you kidding me? I am just worried something might have happened to him. I only asked you if you know where the hell he is, I didn't ask you if you opened your legs to him last night. I don't give a damn!" An hysteric laugh came out of her mouth as she tossed her beautiful long locks off her shoulder adamantly.

"Shouldn't you play the jealous ex girlfriend when he's around to actually see it? Isn't that how winning your ex back, works? I see no Deacon here, so back off." The brunette strongly pushed her out of her way with the help of her violin case, making her lose her balance and fall on her butt with a thud.

"You-did-not-just-do-that." Every word was pronounced in a staccato by the country singer as she clumsily tried to get back on her feet.

"RAYNA!" Bucky's voice rumbled in the corridor behind her. She decided to ignore him and launched herself at her, but her manager moved faster than she did. She felt an arm wrapping around her midsection, holding her back.

"YOU ARE FIRED!" Rayna yelled at the short brunette, wiggling her arms to get out of Bucky's grasp. The poor man was trying his best to drag her back to her dressing room but the heels of her cowboy boots were glued to the ground, so he had no choice but to lift her up and carry her. "I DON'T WANNA SEE YOUR FACE EVER AGAIN!" A red-faced Rayna screamed at her, so loud she could have sworn she had scraped the inside of her throat. "I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GON-"

"ENOUGH!" Bucky put her down and pushed her into her dressing room shutting the door behind her.

**2.30 PM**

"Who the hell is it?" Rayna bellowed when she heard a knock on the door of her dressing room, still raving from what had just happened out there in front of a dozen people. She wasn't fifteen years old anymore, she could not lash out at every woman who would flutter her eyelashes at her boyfriend. And truth be told, she had never been that type of girl, her parents had raised her better than that. She wasn't even jealous of that little smartass, it was all the fretting about Deacon that turned her into a daytime soap actress. Well maybe there was a tad of jealousy hiding somewhere inside of her and maybe she had previously dreamed at night to get her good, but she wouldn't have pushed it this far hadn't she spent the past two hours on pins and needles.

"It's me, Teddy." A soft voice came from the other side of the wall.

"Come in" Rayna looked into the mirror in front of her and took a long deep breath.

"Are you okay?" He ventured closing the door behind him.

"No I'm not." Rayna rolled her eyes, which didn't go unnoticed by her boyfriend. "Teddy what do you want?"

"I brought you a sandwich from craft service. I thought you might be hungry or something." He smiled weakly at her, holding up a brown paper bag. Rayna looked at him through her mirror and instantly softened up. She got off the makeup chair and walked over to him. Her arms looped around his neck as she leaned in for a quick kiss.

"Thanks" The corner of her mouths turned up in an half decent smile as their foreheads rested together.

"What's going on here?" Teddy asked her before pecking her lips again. Rayna tried her best not to roll her eyes at his persistence and distracted herself with the bag he was holding. She snatched it from his hand and rolled it open, hiding her face into it as she inhaled the scent coming out of it. "Rayna?" He pried her stubbornly.

"Deac-"

"Deacon?" A shocked Teddy asked, his eyebrows shot up creating a thick line with his hairline. "He's the delay?"

"Teddy, please." Rayna turned on her heels and marched back to her vanity, tossing the bag on it.

"He's the reason you're almost 2 hours behind on your schedule Rayna? That is absolutely unacceptable, not to mention unprofessional. Who does he think he is?" Rayna looked at him rambling while walking in circles around the small room and shook her head. "You should have fired him. A long time ago."

"Teddy come on now." Rayna admonished him, turning around.

"Don't you even try to defend him." He raised his hand up warningly.

"Trust me that's the last thing I want to do." Rayna returned wryly, her eyes set again on her cellphone.

"Have you tried calling him on his cellphone?"

"Deacon doesn't have one. We tried calling his hotel, but nobody picks up in his room." She sighed, trying to keep calm. She already regretted telling him the truth. Knowing full well how much they loathed each other, Rayna could not believe she had just handed him Deacon on a plate.

"Of course he doesn't have a cellphone. He's too country for technology? Or is it because they don't sell cellphones in liquor stores?" Rayna closed her eyes and gripped tightly on her armrests sensing patient slip off her body again. "Can't Steve just take over for him?"

"No, he can't!" Rayna yelled looking directly at him in the mirror. Teddy looked at her bewildered, but stayed silent. Both their heads shot in the direction of the door as they heard it opening.

"Hey, sorry. I didn't meant to interrupt." Bucky's head peeped out from behind it.

"It's okay." Rayna nodded signaling him to come in.

Buddy pushed the door opened a little wider, but didn't dare to walk in. He cleared his voice a couple of times, mainly to enjoy the calm before the storm. "So…I called his hotel again. They said he has not left his room since he got back early this morning and when the cleaning lady got in with a spare key his room was a mess and the bathroom door was locked from the insi-" Bucky didn't get the chance to finish his sentence for the back of his head collided with the hard wood of the door he was holding open as Rayna pushed past him and ran out of the room.

"Rayna!" Teddy called after her and followed her closely. "Rayna, wait up!" She was running like the wind, knocking people down and stepping on instruments and cables and whatever else in between as she went.

"Rayna!" Bucky started running after the couple as well.

"Where are you going?" Teddy asked her out of breath when he finally caught up with her at the end of the long white corridor. Terror was spelled on Rayna's features.

"To him." Rayna said between spitted breaths without thinking twice. Teddy stared at her openmouthed when the pure honesty in Rayna's eyes misted with tears hit him.

"Let's go." She felt Bucky's hand wrap around her wrist and let him lead her to their destination. She threw Teddy a couple of backwards glances but didn't find the strength or the courage to utter a word. He came first, he always had and he always would. Teddy stopped fighting it that very same day, as for Rayna…she never really started that fight. She had surrendered a long time back.

**The Mayo Hotel – Tulsa, OK - 2.55 PM**

Rayna and Bucky made a beeline for the hotel registration desk. A lot of people were gathered in the hall and everyone started murmuring the moment Rayna set foot in the building. Before they could introduce themselves to the concierge they heard a strong male voice shouting "Move! Out of the way people! This is an emergency." They both turned around and saw two men and a woman carrying a stretcher with a man out of the elevator and down the marble steps to the hall.

"DEACON!" Rayna screamed as soon as she caught a glimpse of the man who was being rushed outside. That red flannel, that consumed pair of brown boots, she knew perfectly well who they belonged to. Her heart fell in her stomach when the realization her worst fears had just come true hit her. She ran towards the knot of people around him and the paramedics. She knocked a little girl down in her attempt to reach them as fast as she could. "Deacon? Oh my God Deacon can you hear me? It's me Rayna!" She took his hand and shook his arm a little.

"Rayna Jaymes?" The female paramedic gasped.

"Miss Jaymes you know this man?" A tall grey haired paramedic asked, a little less impressed with the celebrity in front of him.

"He plays in her band. What happened?" Bucky filled in for Rayna gasping for breath as he tried to keep up with their pace.

"All evidence points to an overdose."

"NO! Deacon!" Rayna shook his shoulder more firmly. "Deacon!" She called his name once again desperate to see those blue eyes again or to just hear the sound of his voice again. She felt numb, unable to process what was going on. It couldn't be happening again, she could just not believe her eyes.

"Is he going to be alright?" Bucky fearfully asked when he noticed blood was copiously coming out of a cut on his head.

"We don't know yet, now please let us do our job."

"Of course." Bucky wrapped one arm around Rayna and unsuccessfully tried to remove her from him. "Rayna come on, we'll follow them with our car."

"NO!" She shook her head stubbornly. "Deacon? Babe please don't do this to me. Please please please don't do this to me." She begged him, a sob cracked her voice when tears began to fall freely from her eyes.

"Rayna, come on." Her manager urged her once they reached the ambulance parked outside.

"Ms Jaymes you can ride with us if you want to." The woman shyly asked her, still flabbergasted to have the great Rayna Jaymes before her very own two eyes. Rayna nodded her head and let go of his hand as they lifted the stretcher and gently pushed it in the back of the ambulance.

"Alright. I'll see you there. Where are you taking him?"

"St. Francis Hospital, sir." The younger paramedic replied to Bucky.

"Thank you."

"Okay guys let's move. Quick." The older paramedic instructed his team and helped Rayna get in the vehicle. As soon as the doors closed before her, sirens started to sing and the longest ride of her life began.

**ST. Francis Hospital – Tulsa, OK - 3.20 PM**

"Claybourne Deacon. Man. 31. Approximately 170lb. Alcohol and drugs overdose."

Rayna followed the paramedics inside the ER. Her left hand holding onto his right for dear life. As they passed to the doctors all the information they had obtained from her, Rayna looked around her disoriented, she felt like she was in a bubble. Muffled noises, people running around without even noticing her, the ambulance's sirens still ringing in her ears. A weird sensation, like dizziness, pervaded her as she took in the white and grey surroundings. Her left hand hit her thigh and shook her out of her trance.

"We found him unconscious and hasn't regained conscience since then. The patient presents a transversal cut on his temple." The other paramedic followed the protocol as well as they pushed the litter through a white sliding door, leaving a wondering Rayna behind.

"Wait! Hey!" She called realizing they were taking him away.

"Miss Jaymes it's alright, they're taking care of him now." The paramedic put an arm around her and tried to keep her still whilst she was trying to break away.

"What? Where are they taking him? I need to go with them, he needs me." Tears started falling down her cheeks again as he disappeared behind the now closed doors.

"Are you Mr. Claybourne next of kin?" A female nurse approached her then.

"Wh-what?" Rayna managed to wriggled herself from the paramedic grip. "I'm…no. I'm his girlfr-I'm his….He works for me. He plays in my band." She ran a hand through her hair, unable to formulate an understandable sentence. And little there was to understand about the status of their current relationship, they were everything and nothing at the very same time.

"Come with me we've got some papers to fill, you might have precious information for us. Is Mr. Claybourne an addict? If so, how long has he been battling with alcoholism?" The nurse asked her pushing her lightly towards a desk in the corner of the waiting room.

"What?" Rayna couldn't have connected two dots on a blank page if they asked her to right now, let alone have a conversation of any sort. She was in pure and utter shock. "Listen, I need to go in there. I need to stay with him." She tried again in a desperate attempt.

"In a minute, Miss Jaymes is it?" The woman asked scrubbing a pen across some papers.

"Yes, Rayna. Rayna Jaymes." She replied absentmindedly as she looked around to find a way out, or better a way in.

"Rayna Jaymes? As in that Rayna Jaymes? As in country biggest-?"

"Yes, it's me." She blurted cutting her short. "Please please let me go in there, I'm begging you."

"Rayna?" She heard a familiar voice calling her name from the other side of the room.

"Bucky!" She squealed relieved to see him there. She ran into his arms and buried her face in his shoulder, sobbing hard.

"Hey hey calm down, he's gonna be alright." The man held her tight and rubbed her back in circles.

"They won't let me go in there with him and now they want me to fill some forms. I don't know. I need to see him Bucky, they just left me here. I cannot leave him alone." Rayna broke the hug, not a centimeter of the skin of her face below her eyes dry. "Oh my God this is all my fault, I should have checked on him sooner, I should have gone to his hotel. I should have kept an eye on him all this time. God!" She covered her face with her hands and started sobbing again. Guilt was asphyxiating her as she tried to breathe through sobs and hiccups.

"Rayna stop!" Bucky took her hands in his. "Look at me." He commanded her and she did as told, squeezing her lids open. "Okay, take a big breath now." Rayna opened her mouth and inhaled deeply, the refund oxygen shaking through her body. "Like that. Good. Keep breathing, keep breathing." Bucky encouraged her. "Better?" Rayna nodded, the lost puppy expression still plastered across her face. "Okay you sit here and I'll just talk to that lady over there." He walked her to a nearby seat. "Don't move." Rayna nodded and sat down, her gaze lost in space along with her grip on reality.

**3.28 PM**

"Alright, follow me." Bucky grabbed her hand and pushed through what seemed a maze made of white sliding doors. "He's in that room." His finger pointed to a big room hidden behind a glass window. " What do you know, a couple of signed pictures still do the tricks around here. Didn't even have to play the VIP passes card." His attempt to play down things, falling short.

"I wanna get in there." Rayna said with a shaky voice as she wiped her wet cheeks with the back of her hand. Bucky shook his head and rested his hand on her shoulder giving her a gentle squeeze. Rayna shut her eyes closed, bracing herself for what she knew what's coming next. She knew the drill, far too well. Her eyelids freed her pupils then and she watched as a male nurse and a doctor put Deacon on his left side and lowered his head while another doctor put a tube in his mouth. He was still unconscious, ha hadn't opened an eye on the ride to the hospital or gave any sign of consciousness, as the doctor kept calling it. He was breathing on his own, his heartbeat was slow but steady and they told her that was good. Surely good would have been the last word she'd use to describe his condition. A male nurse noticed her and Bucky picking in through the glass window and rolled a light blue curtain around Deacon's bed to give doctors some privacy. A tears escaped the corner of her eye. She stood there, immerse in a silence that was ripping her apart while they pumped his stomach. She would have taken it upon her shoulders, that pain, that sorrow, she would have gone through it for him. And in a way she already had shared part of that affliction with him. She had put him already four times in rehab, she had made out of his battle, her battle. She had cried and begged and cursed and prayed, but nothing had worked and nothing had changed. They were back to the start. Rayna's only hope was to never see that start line fade into the finish line Deacon had too many times dangerously got close to.

**4.05 PM**

Her hand fumbled in her pocket and pulled out her phone. She pressed some buttons down, to compose that number she knew by heart and patiently waited as the phone rang and rang. "Cole! Thank God you picked up." She let out a sigh of relief.

"Rayna? What's going on?" The man on the receiving hand asked worried.

"Deacon overdosed." A strong pang hit her stomach as the words came out of her mouth, realization kicking her in the guts only now.

"Fuck! Is he alright?"

"He's alive if that's what you wanna know." She leaned against the nearby wall, needing some support to get through that conversation. "They pumped his stomach and they're performing a CT scanning on him right now. He fell in the bathroom and hit his head, He's probably gonna need stitches too, I don't know."

"Was it just alcohol or…?" Coleman trailed off, unsure of what to suggest really. There was not 'less of two evils' in circumstances like this one, he knew from experience.

"I don't know. Did he start taking those pills again?" Rayna asked trying to figure out what had gone wrong, what did she miss.

"I don't know, I haven't talked to him in weeks." She knew that man like the back of her hand and it was no surprise to her his voice was dripping with mortification. They had failed, both of them. Again.

"I don't think I can do this anymore." She sighed running her hand through her hair nervously. "I thought….I thought we were passed this."

"Well it's only been…how long has he-?"

"253 days and 17 hours." She interjected him. "Didn't get to count the minutes too, they were done pumping his damn stomach by the time I reached that point."

"Ah Rayna…" Coleman sighed in the phone.

"I think he relapsed a couple of weeks ago. He just hit rock bottom today, you know?"

"Why didn't you call me earlier?" The accusatory tone in his voice enough to set Rayna off.

"You think you are the only one he shut out of his life? Well newsflash, you are not." She snapped, unable to control herself.

"I just thought…I don't know being on the road with you, I mean come on. I guess I just hoped the two of you would fix things or whatever. I don't know….I'm sorry."

"I'm with Teddy Conrad now and he screwed all the nubile women in our band and crew, rumor has it he's going around again." She said wittily.

"I just know if there's one person who can help him sober up it's you." Coleman tugged at the right strings.

Rayna let out a sob and started crying again. "I can't be that person for him anymore. And I honestly think he doesn't want me to be that person anymore." She thought she had already cried all the tears she could, but surprisingly they kept falling down ceaselessly.

"You know that's not true."

"Maybe, but it's how it feels Cole." She sniffed and took a moment to regain her composure. "I need you to take care of him. I need you to take him back to rehab and do whatever it takes to make sure he finishes his program and get back on the right track." And then she lost it again, sobs, hiccups and sniffs making it impossible for anybody to decipher whatever she was trying to say.

"Hey hey calm down now. Consider it done. We'll try this again and again and then some more until he sobers up. I promise you."

"It's gonna take this time, right? He can do this, can't he?" She sniffed, waiting for who she considered like a brother to restore hope in her.

"Of course he can. We're not giving up." The resolution in Coleman's voice cracking a smile on her features.

"Like hell we are." She agreed with equal determination.

"Alright, I'll take care of all the arrangements to get him back there. What about the bills?"

"It's all on me."

"Rayna this is his fifth try, you're gonna be bankrupt by the time he sobers up. We should probably find a less expens-"

"Coleman no." She interrupted him again. "I don't give a damn about the money. I'd rather panhandle than see him like this again, you just have no idea Cole. Hadn't they told me he was alive, I would have sworn he was dead." She felt tears coming back and shut her eyes closed.

"I'm so sorry, I promise you we're going to fix him. Do you want me to come to…where are you guys again?"

"We're in Tulsa. And no it won't be necessary, I'll put him on the next plane out. Just pick him up at the airport?" She asked hesitantly.

"Of course. I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah, later." Rayna smiled a little, grateful both her and Deacon had this wonderful man in their lives.

"Take care of yourself Rayna. Bye" She pressed the button to end the call and looked down at the phone in her hand, wondering why there wasn't a button to press to put an end to that torture as well.

**6.13 PM**

"Rayna?" Bucky entered Deacon's room after he knocked a couple of times but got no answer. Rayna stood up and gestured him to go back outside, she didn't want to disturb his sleep.

"Hey." She smiled at him.

"How is he?" Her manager asked nodding towards the door she had just closed behind her.

"Hangovered doesn't even begin to cover it, I think they sedated him or something."

"Teddy has been calling my cellphone no-stop." Bucky informed her sternly.

"Oh shit!" Rayna hit her forehead with her hand. "He completely slipped off my mind." She sheepishly admitted.

"Do you want me to go and bring him here?"

"No, he wouldn't be of any help right now." She could not believe Bucky would even formulate such a thought, not to mention actually suggesting it to her.

"What can I do for you?" He said putting both his hands on her shoulders.

"I uhm…" She tilted her head to the side and looked down at his wrist trying to read what time it was.

"Don't say a word." Bucky held both his hand up in mock surrender. "I'll cancel the show." He announced resigned.

"Bucky I'm so sorry. You know It's the last thing I want, but…" She trailed off not sure of what to say. She had performed with the flu, with high fever, with cramps, she was a pro. But right now she couldn't even fathom the thought of dethatching herself from him. There was just no way she would have left him alone.

"Hey it's fine, we'll refund the tickets or just reschedule, I'll handle it. You take care of him, alright?" He hugged her patting her back.

"I am so so sorry." Rayna repeated softly in his ear before breaking the hug.

"I know, I just hope the label will be as understanding towards you as I am. This is not the first show you cancel because of Deacon. I don't know how to defend you with them anymore." He sighed shaking his head. "Rayna a lot of money is going to be thrown outta the window tonight. Thousands and thousands of dollars. And don't even get me started on all the trouble people might have gone through to make it to the show tonight and how disappointed they will all be. I know you care about him, we all do but-"

"Bucky…" Rayna tried to stop him in vain.

"Rayna let me ask you one thing: is he more important than all this? Your career, your relationships, your friends, your family, everything you built so far in your life?" Rayna remained silent and looked away. "Honey He's destroying all of that for you. If the answer to that question is yes, then alright. Your choice. But if you have the slightest doubt, well…."

"You know damn well how much he means to me." She deadpanned looking him straight in the eyes.

"I do. What I don't know is how much more you are willing to sacrifice…for him." He planted a dagger right into her heart.

"I don't know." Rayna replied quietly, lost in thought. She really didn't know, but most of all she didn't think she was ready to know yet. Deacon was not just part of her life, he was part of her being. Letting go of him would have meant saying goodbye to a part of herself, forgetting that that Rayna she used to know even existed. Once she retreated to Deacon's room she too that sight in and fought tears back, he looked so defenseless. She was running out of options with him. What if the fifth time in rehab wouldn't take? What if he refused to go to rehab? What if he died on her for real next time and all her efforts would go to waste? She brought a trembling hand to her mouth and covered a choking sob. She had been this close to lose him more than she dared to remember. Yet this time seemed different. Did that struggle consume all her strength already? Did fighting those demons exhausted her to the point she could take no more of it? She shook her head, knowing full well there was nothing she wouldn't try to win that battle with him, no limits to what she would have done to get her Deacon back. Wiping her eyes, she regained her previous position on the chair next to his bed and took his hand into hers. She brought it up to her lips and pressed soft small kisses to it as she watched him rest ,just like she used to do in happier times. Times when she was the reason he would pass out in bed, tired from the highs of their night, and not a bottle of liquor and some pills.

**8.31 PM**

"Ray?" A soft familiar voice woke her up. Rayna had rested against his hospital bed and somehow managed to fall asleep. She lifted her head up from her arm, that had served as her pillow for the past hour or so, and straightened her upper body, leaning back against the chair.

"Hey." A smile appeared on her face when her blue orbits met his.

"What happened? Where are we? My head hurts." Deacon demanded confused, the sound of his voice different, stifled from his flurry tongue.

"Yeah, I know." Rayna nodded caressing his arm tenderly, as Deacon looked around him trying to put everything on focus.

"I-I-I'm sorry." He muttered closing his eyes again. " I'm really really sorry." He repeated as he drew in a ragged breath.

"Just close your eyes and try to rest, okay?" She told him sagely, her hand still entangled with his. He feebly squeezed her hand in return and drifted right off to sleep. Rayna felt her body relax and finally let out a breath she had been holding for hours now. Regardless of the disappointment and frustration and wrath she was feeling towards him right now, that sense of relief overcame them all. He was awake and he seemed to be doing alright and that's all that really mattered to her. There would have been time to talk, maybe yell a little, and to figure things out, right now it was time to thank God for giving him yet another chance at life.

**11.47 PM**

"Hey you." Rayna elatedly greeted him when his eyes opened for the second time that day.

"Wh-what happened? My head is throbbing." Deacon seemed confused and in a whole lot of pain, the same pain that was bouncing back on Rayna twice as strongly. She could just not deal with that grimace on his face. She felt so helpless.

"That's because you were acquainted with the tile floor of your hotel bathroom earlier. Got yourself a couple of stitches too. You look cute though, bandaged and all." She joked, to release the tension.

"Hitting on me already?" He smirked at her.

"You know me. I can't resist you." Rayna smirked right back at him and clasped his hand tighter.

"Damn straight." He laughed and gave her one of his flirtatious looks. He could still make her weak at her knees, even after everything he had been through that day. "Wow, it hurts so bad." He frowned in pain bringing his free hand to his head.

"I bet it does and I'm happy it does if I must be honest. Want me to get you something?"

"A new body would be nice. I feel like death." Rayna laughed and kissed his hand before letting go of it and getting up. "A glass of water and some mints, please?" He looked up at her adoringly.

She leant down and brushed her lips gently against his before murmuring "I'll be right back." Deacon was pleasantly surprised by the quick kiss, but enjoyed that brief moment it to its fullest nonetheless. They hadn't been that close in almost a year. It felt weird for both, but at the same time it felt normal, right even. Rayna walked down the corridor to the cafeteria and mindlessly touched her lips with her fingertips, the ticklish sensation produced by his scruff still lingering there. She probably shouldn't have kissed him, she told herself. But then again when it came to Deacon it was never a matter of shoulds, it was always a matter of wants, a matter of needs.

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2 - Unsaveable

**AN:**_ Hello everybody! Long time no see, huh? I apologize for taking this long to update this story, but I promise I will try and make it up to you. I've been really busy with school and finals and what not. Also the Nashville season finale kinda took all the inspiration away from me for a couple of weeks (car accidents count as an excuse even if you're not the one involved, don't they?). Anyways, I finally managed to finish this second chapter and I'm already working on the next one. I feel like I should apologize in advance to you, or at least prepare you, for all the "Teddyness" the following chapter contains. I know you must be thinking "Oh no, Teddy ruins everything", but I think it was necessary to explore Rayna's relationship with Teddy to fully understand why she made the choices she made back then. I worked hard, especially on the dialogues, because I wanted their relationship to feel as real as possible, authentic (hence all the cussing and yelling). I personally never doubted Rayna's love for Teddy while watching the show, not once, that's why it was important to me to make this chapter about them and to analyze the depths of their relationship and how Rayna truly felt about him. I hope you will enjoy it as much as I enjoyed picturing Connie Britton cuss in my head, cause I have a feeling they won't give me that on national television. Meh. Lol  
The song I used for this chapter is "Stronger" by Faith Hill and actually this is the soundtrack to this whole story, because it's the song that inspired me to start writing it in the first place. Soooo Faith if you're reading this, thank you. Lmao  
Okay, enough with my silliness. I would love for you to share your thoughts on this with me, so hit the review button below if you feel like doing so.  
Enjoy!_

_**Saturday, June 5**__**th**__** 1999**_

**ST. Francis Hospital – Tulsa, OK 12.13 AM**

"Here." Rayna set a bottle of water on the bedside table near Deacon's bed and handed him the mints she had just bought him from the cafeteria.

"Thanks." Deacon murmured taking them from her hands and opening the package. Rayna sat back into her chair, her hands fidgeting with the hem of her blouse keeping her occupied. Silence engulfed them and they both welcomed the little quiet with open arms. Deacon had overdosed, Rayna had kissed him, each in their own ways had managed to make the other's world cave in. The silence lingering in the aseptic hospital room was helping them maintaining a fragile balance between two extremes, between salvation and destruction. He was a disaster to her. She was a disaster to him. Together? Together they were a beautiful disaster. Rayna lifted her head up and took in his profile, Deacon felt her eyes on him and slightly turned his gaze towards hers. Two pair of blue eyes met midair and it felt like the whole world stopped for a second there to admire that beautiful disaster.

**12.39 AM**

"You know, you should rest some more." Rayna ventured when she noticed him shifting from side to side in that tiny hospital bed. "They won't let you leave until that thing is empty so..." She trailed off still pointing to the drip attached to Deacon's arm.

"Yeah, I think I will." He mumbled looking away.

And back to the awkward silence they went. Looks were stolen here and there and breaths hitched from time to time but no sound came out of their mouths. No word was uttered. No thoughts were shared. Tension was building up. They were both loading their weapons for the inevitable fight that would have taken place shortly afterwards, both studying their strategies and plays. Offense is the best defense, Deacon reminded himself. The first to score is the one who wins, Rayna told herself.

**02.08 AM**

Rayna crossed her right leg over her left, shifting her weight on her left side. Her head fell on her waiting hand and she let out an exasperated groan. That position wasn't working for her either. Her right leg had fallen asleep at least three times in the past hour, she was not amused.

"You should go back to your hotel." Deacon finally spoke up, opening his eyes. Rayna thought he was asleep, but apparently he couldn't sleep either. Or maybe it was her moving around in the space of a few squared centimeters that was bothering him.

"Nah, I'm good." Rayna countered hastily.

"You should go Ray, I'm fine. I'll take a cab and go back to the hotel when they release me, It's not a pro-"

"I'm staying." She leaned her upper body forward and grabbed his hand.

"Fine." Deacon conceded, a little smile forming on his lips. Rayna closed her eyes for a second and squeezed his hand, only to find that little smile changed into a megawatt one when she opened them again. Rayna chuckled and shook her head diverting her eyes from him. She gently tried to remove her hand from his but felt his finger interlace with hers, so she stopped. His thumb softly brushed the inside of her hands, drawing circles on her palm. Rayna moved forward along with her chair and rested her head on his thigh. She had finally found a comfortable position. Deacon's right hand instinctively moved to the other side of the bed and caressed her head, letting her soft strawberry strands pass over and in between his fingers, following each strand till it reached its end in the middle of her back. His fingertips inadvertently brushed against the soft cotton of her blouse right above her bra clasp. Rayna closed her eyes, trying to refrain herself from letting a moan escape her lips. Deacon looked down at her and smirked, before resuming his sweet torment. Walking the line had never been their forte, all they knew how to do was tripping over the line. Over and over again.

**05.55 AM**

"Come on hop on this bed, I'll scoot over." Deacon urged her.

"What? No. I'm good really." Rayna shook her head and winced in pain when she tried to turn her neck to look at him.

"Come on this is ridiculous. I told you to go back to the hotel, but you won't do that cause you are as stubborn as the man that generated you." Rayna rolled her eyes and snickered. "It won't be the first time we share a bed. Get in here."

"Deacon there's really no need to-"

"Rayna, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you." Deacon looked her straight in the eyes, making it clear he was done making jokes.

"I called Coleman." Rayna blurted out. She took advantage of the serious moment they were having and decided to try and score first. There was no point in ignoring the huge elephant in the room any longer, anyways.

"You what?" Deacon's eyes widened. "Oh come on Ray!" His clenched fist hit the mattress on his left side.

"You didn't really leave me with a choice." Rayna said calmly, knowing full well that was the best approach when it came to this kind of talks.

"I am not going back there." He shook his head vigorously. "This twelve-steps program doesn't work for me, you know that." He sputtered a nervous laugh, passing a trembling hand through his hair.

"What do you suggest we do then?"

"Leave me alone?" He groaned, his control snapping at last.

"You'd love that, wouldn't you?" Rayna huffed leaning back in her chair.

"I am not going back to rehab and that's final." He uttered every word with such firmness in his voice, Rayna decided to shift gears, screw the soft and calm approach.

"God Deacon would you take a look at yourself?" She got up at once, pushing the chair against the near wall. "How many more times do you think you can put yourself through this? You wanna know how many times they pumped your stomach this time around? Four Deacon! Four fucking times! One more than the last time. That drip attached to your arms? They changed it already twice! And when is the last time you touched food? You must have lost at least 10lbs in the past two weeks."

"Rayna." He simply used her name as a warning.

"No! Don't Rayna me!" She raised her voice above his. "Now you listen. You're going back to rehab and you're going to work your ass off to kick this damn habit."

"I don't want to go back there. It's hell!" Deacon thundered, his gaze came across hers and they both stood silent for a moment, giving themselves time to read the other's mind.

"It cannot be worse than this." Rayna said soothingly tearing her eyes away, scared his eyes would tell her different.

"Oh trust me it is." He muttered looking up at the ceiling. Rayna's heart broke into a million pieces when she noticed the unusual teary sparkle his eyes had. He blinked a couple of times and then looked down again, his manly composure instantly regained. Rayna grabbed the back of the chair and pushed it back next to Deacon's bed before plopping herself onto it. She drank in the silence for a minute, buying time to ponder her next crucial move.

"I cannot do this anymore." She began. "I thought I was going to have a heart attack when I saw you like that. If you don't want to do this for yourself, then do it for the people who actually love and care for you." Somehow she found her hand stroking his forearm.

"Like you?" He chortled. "Please!" He pulled his arm back, breaking their contact.

"What?" Rayna's eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

"How is Teddy Conrad doing?"

"You're unbelievable." She shook her head letting out a nervous laugh. Now she got it. Now it was all clear to her.

"What Rayna? Do you want me to pretend I believe what you say? Fine, you love me and you care about me. I am so lucky to have you in my life. How does that sound? Convincing enough?" He sneered, the color of his eyes looking different at once. A deeper shade of blue, a shade she did not like.

"I cannot deal with you when you're like this."

"Like what?" He asked, his challenging tone didn't go unnoticed by Rayna.

"Like this, like a perfect ass!" She shouted, her arms flying in the air in frustration.

"I'm an ass now." Deacon scoffed astounded.

"You know what? Whatever." Rayna got up and in anger grabbed the leather jacket that was lying at the foot of his bad. "You wanna destroy your life? That's fine, I'm not going to stand by and watch you as you dig your own grave". Hurriedly she slid one arm in her jacket and then the other. "There's a plane ticket to Nashville under Claybourne at the airport, you can choose whenever you want to leave. Cole said it'd be no problem for him to pick you up at the airport. Just let him now when you land." Wrapping her right hand around her hair, she freed it from the collar of the jacket. "You have a ticket, you have a valet, you're good to go."

"We still have twenty-seven shows before the end of the tour, I ain't going anywhere." Deacon's rage was raising and raising with every word he spit out between gritted teeth.

"In these conditions? You couldn't even hold your goddamn Gibson and I am sorry but I cannot afford the luxury of letting 20.000 paying people down again." Rayna deadpanned, before striding towards the door.

"It won't happen again. I promise." Deacon said in an attempt to stop her.

"You promise?" Rayna spun around. "That's funny, you know? I never heard you promise me anything before." Her words dripping with sarcasm.

"This time is different, I swear. I just had too much to drink, I swear it won't happen again." He wasn't imploring her to believe him, he almost sounded convinced of what he was telling her. Committed to honor his pledge.

"Of course it won't." Rayna inhaled deeply and then puffed all the oxygen in her lungs out in one exhalation. "You know what amazes me, really?" She moved closer to his bed. "You actually think you can fool me, but what you don't understand is that you're fooling yourself and yourself only." She was standing across him now. "I am not buying your crap anymore." She whispered, her voice cracked by the tears she was so desperately trying to fight back. Cause she wanted to believe each and every word he said, God knows she did, but she knew better than that.

"Nobody asked you to. Nobody asked you to stay here. Nobody asked you to come look for me. NOBODY!" Deacons shouted, knowing that he'd gone too far.

"Damn right!" She shouted back, a tear rolling down her cheek. "Once again I'm the fool here. I care way too much about you." Rayna couldn't even look at him right now. They knew each other too well and after all those years it had become oddly easy to aim and hit the bull's eye.

"Way too much, huh? Maybe you should divert your care towards your trophy boyfriend a little bit." He fired back.

"You're so full of shit." She whispered brokenly.

"Still here?"

"No, I'm not gonna be here anymore for you Deacon. This is it." She said calmly, wanting every word to stab him right to the chest like his had done seconds before. "Oh and by the way you're fired." She added before turning to leave.

"Rayna! Rayna come back here! You can't do this! RAYNA!" She heard him yell at her. "Ah, fuck this!" The door closed behind her and her face crumpled as tears started flooding down. She walked away. Away from all the hurting and the pain, from what she realized could not be saved.

**Renaissance Hotel – Tulsa, OK 06.47 AM**

Rayna flicked her wrist and opened the door to her suite, she retracted the key and slowly closed the door behind her. It was pitch dark in there but she didn't want to turn the lights on and take the chance to wake Teddy up. She knew how grumpy he would get if she dared to wake him up and, truth be told, she didn't want to engage into a fight with him so early in the morning. She was all for postponing it, she already had her fair share of yelling and cussing for the day and the clock hadn't struck 7am yet. Cautiously she took her boots off and tiptoed all the way down to the living room area of the penthouse careful not to bump into furniture, walls or any possible life threatening obstacle.

"Hey" A dozy Teddy greeted Rayna coming out of the bedroom. He switched the lights on rubbing his left eye with his palm in an attempt to protect it from the sudden light.

Rayna jolted and the boots she was holding in her right hand fell to on the carpeting white floor. "Hey" She weakly smiled at him turning around. Busted, she thought to herself.

"I was worried sick last night, I waited for hours before passing out. What happened?" He demanded bringing both his hands to his hips, looking more than eager to listen to what she would have to say.

Rayna walked to the couch and flopped right on it. Teddy followed her with his eyes, his stare was making her all the more nervous. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. "Deacon overdosed." Rayna opened her eyes again and looked straight in front of her, she didn't need to look at him to know he was wearing an incredulous yet extremely pissed expression on his face. "I'm sorry, okay? What was I supposed to do?"

"You could have called me for starters." He asserted sharply.

"I know and I apologize." Rayna whispered candidly, finally finding the courage to look him in the eyes.

"You disappeared for more than fifteen hours Rayna. I learned your concert had been cancelled on the night news." Teddy hissed getting closer and closer to the couch. "You know how that feels? Being cut out of your girlfriend's life like that? Like I am nothing, like my feelings mean nothing." He snapped, hurt, worry and anger definite in his voice.

"I am sorry Teddy."

"You are not." He cried exasperated. "I must have called Bucky a hundred times and your cellphone was off and I had no idea what was going on. All I knew is you ran away from me and left me hanging for hours and hours. And for what? FOR DEACON!" He yelled at her. "AGAIN!"

"Teddy please…"

"Rayna I am your boyfriend. You should show a little more respect towards me." He said through gritted teeth.

"Respect?" A fuming Rayna bellowed. "What the hell Teddy?! Deacon could have died!" Laying her palms flat on the couch she pushed herself up. Her shoulder bumped into his chest as she moved past him and started walking towards the master bedroom taking long strides.

"But he didn't." Teddy retorted following her into the other room. "Once the emergency was over you should have called me. I came all the way here for you, to be with you. We haven't seen each other in a month, I was honestly hoping to spend some one on one time with my girlfriend."

"I should have called, you're right." She turned around, her arms opening wide signaling her frustration. "And I am deeply sorry. How many times do I have to apologize to you?" Rayna asked tiredly, trying her best to modulate her voice tone.

"Rayna I don't know what to do with your apologies anymore." His chest was heaving with exertion as he dragged his hand over his face.

"Teddy, I'm exhausted. I haven't slept in over twenty-four hours. My plane leaves in five hours and I could really really use some sleep." She cocked her head to the side and slumped her shoulders in defeat. "If you will excuse me."

Rayna caught him shaking his head with the corner of her eye when she turned her back on him. "I'm just another toy to play with until your favorite toy gets fixed, aren't I?" He asked quietly. Rayna froze and turned around, their eyes met for a brief moment before she walked over to him and cupped his face in her hand, forcing him to look her in the eyes.

"Teddy no." She whispered reassuringly.

"Rayna I love you, I really do." He brought his left hand up and graciously covered the back of her hand with his palm.

"I know you do, I love you too." Rayna gave him a little smile, while her thumb tenderly stroked his cheekbone.

"No you don't."

"I beg your pardon?" Rayna took a step back, her voice filled with indignation.

"You don't love me." He pointed at his chest. "You don't love me for who I am Rayna. You love me for who I am not, for everything I am not." Teddy looked extremely calm, resigned even.

"What are you talking about?" She didn't know if the lack of sleep and overtiredness were getting the best of her, but she was not getting what he meant.

"You love me because I am not him, I am everything he is not. That's why you love me." Rayna's breath was caught in her chest. The raw honesty the man standing in front of her was pouring into his words would have been enough to break her heart, had those words fitted the facts.

"Teddy-"

"Let me finish here." He reached for her hand and held it captive between his two hands. He took a big breath and looked her square in the eyes. "I can live with that. I can live with the 'second best' shadow following me wherever I go. I can do that and I want to do that because I love you more than you'll ever know, but I won't be your rebound. I am sorry I can't be your rebound."

"You are not my rebound." She huffed, retreating her hand. She could not believe he would say something like that, actually it was pretty hard to believe he would even think something like that. Rayna shook her head in disbelief a couple of times, walking backwards towards the bathroom.

"Rayna he needs to be out of your life if you want us to work." And then he dropped the bombshell. Rayna's eyes grew wide, her mouth fell open but it took her a little while to emit any sound.

"Are you serious?" She asked disconcerted returning his challenging gaze.

"Dead serious." Teddy uttered two simple words.

"What is that an ultimatum?" Rayna started walking back towards him. "Him or me?" Her voice growing louder with every step. "What the hell Teddy? Deacon is a friend. He overdosed and I rushed to his side. So what?" She tried her very best not to shout right to his face, once the distance between them had been closed, but it was impossible for her to contain her anger anymore.

"SO WHAT?" He shouted back at her. "Rayna whenever he needs you, you just run to him. Always. You're not his damn girlfriend anymore, you're with me. You can't do that anymore. He can't be your number one priority anymore."

"You're asking an awful lot of me after I spent half of my life with that man by my side." She countered whispering with clenched teeth. Her eyes were starting to burn for all the blinking back the tears she was doing.

"Was he really by your side? Cause as far as I know, it was you standing by his side. Has he ever been there for you Rayna? Like really there for you, like I have been there for you in the past eight months."

"YOU DO NOT KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT US!" She screamed shaking her clenched fist in the air and stomping her right feet angrily.

"Cut the crap Rayna. This is what you tell to every single soul: me, Bucky, your father, your sister, we all know nothing about the two of you. Here's what I know. I know you were picking up pieces of yourself off the floor when I met you, I know your sister had to do an intervention on you cause you were on the edge of developing an eating disorder, I know you wer-"

"STOP!" She yelled once again shutting her eyes closed before dissolving into tears. "Just stop, okay?" Rayna gulped for breath as the sobs wracked her body. That was a cheap shot. He knew how much sufferance and sorrow she had to fight through to overcome all of that.

"He was destroying you. And you would have let him."

"He was struggl-"

"HE WAS TAKING YOU DOWN WITH HIM GODDAMIT RAYNA! Don't you even try to say the opposite. Don't you even begin to try to deny it." He pointed his finger at her, a vein on the left side of his neck strikingly throbbing. "Am I asking an awful lot of you Rayna? Honestly, am I?" Teddy fixed his gaze on her, his eyes burning holes through her. Rayna sniffed a couple of times, but remained silent while attempting to get a grip of herself and regain her poise.

"I need to take a shower and I would like to get some rest after." She said with a low voice without looking up from the spot right below her feet she had been staring at for the past two minutes.

"I'm gonna go and get some breakfast." He replied taking some clothes out of the closet.

"Okay." Rayna jerked her head up, tears had dried up on their own leaving a sticky trail all over her cheeks.

"Want me to order room service for you?" He asked without looking at her while zipping his pants.

"No, I am fine. Thanks." She turned on her heels and headed for the hundredth time that morning towards the bathroom.

"Rayna?"

"Save it." She muttered earnestly, before slumming the door behind her. She leaned her back against the door and rested the back of her head on it inhaling and exhaling deeply. Squeezing her eyes closed she waited for Teddy to leave the suite and once she finally heard the front door closing up she succumbed to the burdensome need to cry again. Her knees buckled for a minute before she collapsed to the tile floor, sliding along the door. Her body was shaken by sobs and hiccups as she covered her face with both her hands, Teddy had brought back memories of old dark days and they were now dancing before her very own eyes. That familiar pain twisting in her gut like a knife.

**Tulsa international Airport – Tulsa, OK 12.02 PM**

"Good morning sunshine" Bucky elatedly greeted Rayna when he opened the door to her limousine to let her out.

"Hi babe." Rayna swung her feet off the seat and got out of the car, taking Buddy's extended hand for support. She leaned forward and kissed his cheek.

"How is he?" Bucky whispered in her ear stroking her arm.

"I don't know." Rayna shook her head pushing her Dior sunglasses up on her head.

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"Bucky I don't want to talk about this. Please." Rayna beseeched him, pursing her lips.

"Okay. I just wanted to know if he'll be joining us tomorrow in San Antonio."

"He will not." She replied sternly, walking around the limousine to get to the jet that was awaiting them.

"Okay. Shall I ask Steve or you want me to-?"

"Whatever Bucky." She dismissed her manager with a wave of her hand.

"Hey man." Teddy smiled at Bucky patting his back with his free hand, the other one occupied with a trolley.

"Hi." Bucky smiled back, without even looking in his direction. He trotted behind Rayna to keep up the pace her long legs were going at. "Listen about Aubrey…"

"I haven't changed my mind." Rayna cut him short stepping on the white lurching boarding ladder.

"I don't think I can find a replacement for her with such short notice." He prompted her.

"Bucky look at me." Rayna turned around at once, making the ladder totter a little. "It's either her or me on that stage tomorrow. It's up to you to decide."

"Rayna, come on now."

"Just let me know if I have the day off tomorrow in due time, I could really use some retail therapy." She smiled broadly at him and then taking a few more steps, got on the plane. "Ready to go?" She turned around and looked at Teddy who was still standing at the bottom of the stepladder.

"Ready." He nodded, shooting Bucky a confused look before boarding the jet. "Are you alright?" He asked his girlfriend with genuine worry once they were comfortable seated next to each other.

"I'm alright." Rayna answered stiffly, taking her sunglasses from her head and positioning them back on her nose. With a little luck she could have gotten a couple of hours of sleep out of that plane ride she hoped.

"If you want to call Deacon….I mean…Not that you need my permission or anything but, you know, I would…yeah I'd be fine with it. No problem." Teddy stammered, shifting uncomfortable in his seat. Rayna nodded and buckled her seatbelt. "Err…what about Aubrey? What happened with her?"

"She pushed the wrong buttons." Rayna answered drily once again.

"Oh." Teddy wasn't exactly taken off-guard by her attitude and he knew it would have probably been a while before Rayna would cool off and their fight would just blow over.

"Do you mind?" She asked holding up her earphones and brand new cd player in her hands.

"Oh no, not all." Rayna nodded her thank you and put the earphones in, before closing her eyes and hitting the play button. She isolated herself from the rest of the world, she needed time to think, she needed time to process everything that had happened and most of all she needed some quiet and peace for just a couple of hours. The first notes of one of her absolute favorite covers of one of her absolute favorite songs started playing, the corners of her mouth immediately twirled up, creating two cute dimples in her cheeks. She sank further in her seat as the familiar voice began to sing '_I'm sitting here wondering will a matchbox hold my clothes?'. _Teddy turned his head around and couldn't help but notice the cute little smile on her face, little did he know she was battling her very personal addiction by taking a gulp straight from the Deacon bottle right now.

**San Antonio International Airport – San Antonio, TX 4.17 PM**

Flashes and paparazzi shouts welcomed the princess of country music the moment she set foot outside the sliding doors of the airport's exit. Bucky protectively wrapped an arm around her shoulder and shooed a bunch of paparazzi out of her way with his free arm.

"Rayna!"

"Rayna to your left!"

"Rayna over here!"

"What happened last night in Tulsa?" A woman holding a microphone in her hand got close to her, a camera following her closely.

"Rayna what are these personal issues you cited?" She tried again.

"Is it true you canceled the show because of Deacon Claybourne?" The journalist was not going to back down. Rayna kept looking down at her feet as she and Bucky tried to bee line towards the town car awaiting them at the end of the sidewalk.

"Mr. Conrad what do you have to say about this? Are you okay with it?" The noisy woman turned her attention to Teddy who was walking closely behind her.

"Ms. Jaymes how's Deacon doing?" A guy yelled from her left.

"Move. Out of the way people. Come on!" Bucky hollered when he noticed there were a couple of paparazzi leaning their back against their town car doors, obstructing their only way in.

"Is the San Antonio show still on? We hear you're a guitarist short Ms. Jaymes." A paparazzo laughed while obstinately snapping pictures of her.

"Get out of the way!" Bucky shouted losing his temper. He pushed one of them out of the way and opened the car's door.

"Rayna over here!" He pushed her in and then waited for her to slide over so that he could let Teddy in.

"Rayna! Rayna!" Dozens of paparazzi were frantically screaming her name.

"Jesus Christ!" Rayna dramatically exhaled once all three of them had gotten into the car.

"I'm sorry, I had no idea we would find paparazzi waiting for you. We're in San Antonio for God's sake!" Bucky exclaimed, genuinely surprised by the crowd that had welcomed them.

"It's okay." Rayna shrugged.

"I'll make sure they let us in from a secondary entrance to the hotel."

"Thanks Buck." She said ducking her head in her handbag.

"Yes thank you." Teddy echoed her distractedly as he tried to figure out what she was frantically looking for in there. A second later her hand emerged from the bag holding her cellphone. Without wasting any time Rayna turned it on and patiently waited for it to buzz announcing a new voice mail or a missed call. Nothing appeared on the tiny screen and with a sigh she slipped it back in. Her eyes met Teddy's when she turned to her right, he shook his head letting out a nervous laugh and then focused his attention back on the unfamiliar surroundings out the window. Rayna took a big breath and closed her eyes wondering how long they could have carried on like that.

**Omni La Mension del Rio Hotel - San Antonio, TX 5.07 PM**

"Hey so, I was thinking we should totally go out for dinner tonight, cannot pass on the chance of getting some real fat Texan food." Teddy clapped his hands together and rubbed them against each other walking into the bathroom of their new hotel suite.

"I am not very hungry and anyways I was kinda hoping to get a full night's rest." Rayna said without turning her attention away from her beauty case, looking for her eye cream.

"Rayna, come on." Teddy leaned against the door frame and poked her arm with his pointer finger in a childish manner.

"I'm sorry, I'm too tired to even think of doing anything." Rayna deemed him worthy of a look for the first time since their fight that morning and then went back to rummaging inside her pink case.

"It's only 5pm."

"I haven't slept in almost forty-eight hours Teddy, try to understand." Rayna's tone was a perfect combination of pleading and annoyed.

"Try to understand?" He nervously laughed crossing his arms over his chest. Rayna remained mum while she started taking out of the case a ridiculous number of toiletries of every kind and species, still looking for her extremely expensive eye cream. "You know what? Whatever." Rayna followed him with her eyes until she saw him disappear behind a corner and heard the slamming of the door.

**7.43 PM**

Rayna looked down at her phone for a while before composing the number. She needed someone to talk to, someone who knew her well, someone who would have the guts to tell her what she probably wasn't ready to hear. In a word, she needed her sister.

"Hey It's me"

"Hey sweetheart, how you doing?" A smiled crept up on her face when she heard her older sister's gleeful tone. She could tell she was happy to hear from her and the feeling was quite mutual.

"Not so well." Rayna admitted, figuring it wouldn't make much sense to beat around the bushes anyway.

"What's going on?" Tandy asked, her voice changing from glee to apprehension.

"Deacon overdosed last night."

"He wh- Oh my g- Is he alright?"

"Yeah, I mean I think so."

"What do you mean you think so?"

"I left him there." Rayna confessed holding her lower lip between her teeth.

"There?" Tandy managed to fill one word with confusion and astonishment and everything in between.

"Yeah in Tulsa. I'm in San Antonio right now." Rayna got up from the couch and started pacing around the room. "We got into this fight before I left. He doesn't want to go back to rehab and got mad at me because I told Coleman what happened and-"

"Same old, same old." Her sister cut her short, annoyance traceable in her voice regardless of the miles that were separating them.

"Tandy." Rayna admonished her, not happy about the lack of sympathy her sister was showing towards Deacon.

"Listen, I'm sorry okay? But I will not pretend I'm surprised."

"Well I am, he did so good for almost a year."

"Rayna how many times have you walked down this road?" Tandy's question sharply opened an old wound. Or maybe a couple.

"A lot." Rayna exhaled running a hand through her hair.

"Exactly." The two fell into an uncomfortable silence.

"I don't know what to do." Rayna whispered in a husky voice, tears stinging the corners of her eyes again.

"Sweetie you've already done everything you could have done." Her sister voice on the other end of the phone was full of adoration and respect for her, that much she could feel.

"Yeah, I like to say that to myself as well." She sniffed, flipping a strand of hair out of her eyes.

"It's the truth."

"I think, I mean…possibly…" Rayna cleared her throat who was drying out for the tears she was hardly pushing back now. "I don't know. I think Teddy and I might be on the rocks here."

"Oh no, why?" Tandy squeaked.

"He gave me an ultimatum: him or Deacon." Rayna stopped pacing around then and sat down onto the ottoman rolling into a ball.

"And what did you say?"

"Nothing? I don't know Tandy…I love Teddy. I do. He's the best thing that's happened to me in the last year or so. I know that. But Deacon? Deacon is the best thing that's happened in my life. Ever."

"Please Rayna, do I really have to remind you of everything that's happened in the past five years of your life? Do I? Cause I will, no problem."

"Tandy he developed an addiction, it doesn't change who he really is. It doesn't mean the man I fell in love with a decade ago is gone." She said forcing herself to believe her own words.

"Honey that's exactly what it means." Tandy deadpanned. "Listen to me, you have a good thing going on with Teddy. Don't mess up. Don't mess up." She begged her.

"Tandy…"

"It's been five years, Rayna. Wake up!" Her older sister wasn't known for snapping at people or for having a backbone for that matter, but somehow whenever Deacon was the topic of the conversation her inner mother hen would come out.

"I know he can do this. I know he can fight this." Rayna stubbornly hammered in.

"Rayna he doesn't want to. That's always been the problem. He was an addict before Vince died. He will always be. He doesn't want to get sober Rayna. Why can't you see it?" Rayna's head spun to her left when she heard the door opening.

"Teddy's back." She whispered in the phone, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye." Tandy whispered back.

"Bye." Rayna clicked the call off and awkwardly slipped her cellphone in the front pocket of her hoodie.

"Hey" Teddy nodded his head towards her when he walked into the living room part of the penthouse.

"Hi." Rayna stood up awkwardly.

"I thought you were tired and wanted to catch some sleep." He quipped putting the room key on the table in the center of the room.

"Can't sleep." Rayna replied nervously brushing her flat palms on her thighs.

"You hungry?" He asked uninterestedly while he took his jacket off and threw it on the couch.

"Nope." Rayna shook her head and started to move across the room to reach the bedroom on the opposite side.

"You gotta eat something, come on." He cajoled.

"I am not hungry, thank you." Rayna countered coldly leaving the room.

"Are you mad at me or something?" Teddy walked after her. "Because, the way I see it, it should be the other way around." His hands rested on his hips, an astounded expression plastered across his face.

"Whatever you say Teddy." Rayna shrugged. She had had a long day, she didn't need this. She didn't want to argue anymore.

"Look I'm sorry for yelling at you this morning. I was just very much worried about you." His apology sounded sincere, but she wasn't gonna have it anyway.

"It's okay."

"No It's not okay, I shouldn't have yelled like that. It was rude."

"I said It's okay." Rayna repeated flatly turning around to look at him and reassure him she was not just saying.

"Rayna please, don't let him do this to us. Don't let him come between us. Don't ruin it." Rayna didn't know if he meant for the words to come off as pathetically as she heard them, but she hadn't been moved by them in the slightest.

"Ruin what?" She spat as she spun around to face him.

"What we have."

"And what do we have exactly Teddy?" Rayna inquired, her left hand angrily gripping her left hip.

"What kind of question is that?" He screeched in an apparent state of confusion.

"I've been with you for months. I pushed Deacon away. I tried everything to prove to you you're the only man in my life, that you're the one I chose. But nothing is ever enough. Even a barely alive Deacon feels like a threat to you. You don't trust me, you don't believe what I say, that pretty much says we have no solid ground here."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Teddy's jaw dropped before he even got an answer.

"Deacon is and will always be part of my life. Nothing is ever going to change that. Not you, not my father, not his addiction, no anything. Can you live with that or not?" She finally let the burden she had carried on her chest for the past eight months go. She wanted to be honest with him, she felt like she owed it to him and to herself too. It was the plain truth and there was no use in denying it.

"Just tell me one thing: do you still love him?" He asked raising a hand to his hip, his head hanging to the side to look her straight in the eyes.

"Teddy you are not my rebound. You are not second best. That's all you need to know." Rayna couldn't have been more sincere than that, she honestly meant each and every word she had just said.

"That was neither a yes or a no."

"That is all I had to say." They both stood there in silent for a minute before Teddy turned on his heels and left the room. Rayna shook her head, if he couldn't live with that then it was his choice. Not hers. Lately nothing had been her choice, she couldn't help but notice.

**8.56 PM**

"_And that was Rayna Jaymes' newest single 'It's my life', everybody. How do you like it Roger?" _The radio boomed in the bedroom once she got out of the bathroom, still wrapped into a soft white hotel robe. Rayna hoped a warm bubbly bath would have helped her relax, but even that had failed.

"_Oh I love this song and I love this woman. So stoked to meet her tomorrow." _Rayna couldn't help the smile that appeared on her face as she crossed the room to reach her suitcases that were still in the corner of the room, all packed.

"_Oh yes, y'all better tune in tomorrow morning cause Rayna Jaymes will be here with us, live on KKYX with Jerry King." _

"_Yeah baby!" _She heard the male host hooraying through the speakers.

"_We'll hear all about her new album, her tour and hopefully we'll have the Princess of country music herself clearing up some rumors." _Teddy walked into the room then, a tall glass of red wine in his hand. Rayna looked up from the suitcase she had just unzipped, but he didn't bother to acknowledge her.

"_Oh I see where you're going with this, Tess." _The country singer rolled her eyes ready for whatever nonsense those two radio hosts were going to come up with.

"_Yes, words get 'round fast and we all want to know what happened to her last night in Tulsa and why she cancelled her show due to personal issues. Could those personal issues have anything to do with a certain Deacon Claybourne and his admission to an hospital earlier in the day for what looked like an OD case?" _She halted, holding a set of matching underwear in her hands.

"_Dang woman, you know a thing or two about gossip, don't ya?"_

"_Hey I love those two together, what can I say? Their co-written hits are among my favorite tunes. I'm an helpless romantic." _Teddy growled something incomprehensible inside his glass.

"_Well, I heard she was spotted here today with her new boyfriend, sorry darling. I don't think there'll be any new love song coming from those two former lovebirds in the near future." _The male host said letting out a laugh.

"_Are you talking about the same Rayna Jaymes and Deacon Claybourne I know? Oh please! They're the June and Johnny of this generation. I'll tell you what, I wouldn't want to be in that new kid's shoes, cause I've seen them performing together many times and trust me those two together could set the whole world on fire." _Rayna froze, the undergarments she was holding in her hands falling right back into the suitcase. She turned around and looked at Teddy. He was staring at his almost empty glass, jaw clenched and lip pressed in a thin line.

"_Uuuh touché Tess, touché." _

"_I am just saying man, I am just saying." _A rumble of laughs came through the speakers, Rayna awkwardly turned around and picked up again the items she had dropped.

"_Well speaking of fire and country music's golden couples, here's a classic for y'all straight from 1967, this is 'Jackson'." _The female host announced with delight_. _No music followed though. Rayna tilted her head to the left and noticed the radio had been shut.

"Heeey! I like that song." She protested still giving her boyfriend her back. When she got no answer in return she threw him a look over her shoulder and noticed he was putting his shoes on. "wha-what are you doing?" She asked slightly confused.

"I'm leaving." He said matter-of-factly.

"Leaving? Are you kid-"

"Rayna don't." He raised his hand up flat to stop her. "I can't do this right now, okay?"

"You're leaving?" She gasped in bedazzlement.

"I need some time alone. Away from you, away from Deacon Claybourne, away from this media circus, away from everything."

"You got upset because of what they said on that stupid radio show? Come on Teddy." Rayna could not believe her ears, she knew the media had never gone easy on her new boyfriend but his reaction was way out of proportion.

"I cannot do this right now." He shook his head gatherings his things in his arms and throwing them in the trolley at the foot of the bed.

"Teddy can we just talk for a minute? I don't want you to leave." Rayna said hastily when she realized he had made up his mind and was really going to take the door and leave.

"Just this once Rayna, just this once, let me call the shots here. Just this once." He gently pushed her away when she approached him.

"Fine. You wanna leave? Leave." Rayna huffed crossing her arms over chest

"Thank you."

"It's not gonna solve anything you know that. This is my life Teddy. You knew what you were getting into when we first started dating. You knew it darn well." The accusatory tone in her voice giving away her disappointment.

"I did. I just didn't know it would be this hard." He sighed scratching the back of his head in frustration.

"This hard? What do you mean this hard?" The more they were talking about it, the less it was making any sense to her.

"This is my life too Rayna, don't you get it? You and Deacon are not the only ones entitled to get hurt here. I can get hurt too. And right now, right this moment Rayna, I'm hurting. This whole situation hurts. Quite bad frankly." His words literally pierced through her, she looked down at a loss of words. " So excuse me, but I'm going back to Nashville." He closed his luggage and lifted it up by its handle.

"Teddy I'm sorry. You know I am." She muttered avoiding his gaze, if he was trying to lay a guilt trip on her, it was working.

"Listen" He took her chin between his thumb and pointer finger and lifted it up a little. Rayna's teary eyes matched his. "I love you. I-I just…I just need some time to myself, okay?"

"Teddy…." Rayna tried again, her hand instinctively wrapping around his wrist.

"I'll call you later." He leaned in and kissed her forehead, his lips barely touching her skin.

"I love you too." Rayna whispered before engulfing him in her arms. Teddy wrapped one arm around her tiny waist and gently brushed his hand up and down her side. If they asked her how long they stayed like that, wrapped into one another, Rayna would have probably answered an eternity, cause that's how those few moments felt to her. As much as she didn't want to admit it to herself, it felt more like a last goodbye than anything. She held on tight to him a little longer and then let him go. She couldn't have said when things had changed from good to gone, but it was probably a little too late to ask herself that question now.

**11.12 PM**

Rayna's fingers delicately brushed across the black and white keys of the piano in front of her, waiting for it to compose a melody that would take away that pain. She had tossed and turned in bed for an hour before deciding to get up and put that restlessness to good use. Wrapping herself in the loneliness and quiet of the living room, she had approached the piano standing in its further corner and found shelter. Her right bare foot rhythmically stomped on the center pedal, closely listening to the reverberating sound produced by the shifting strings on the inside. She smiled to herself when the notes played in progression gave life to a beautiful captivating melody. She pressed those seven keys in sequence a couple times more and then stood up, a big smile adorning her face as she started looking around the room for a piece of paper and a pen. She found a little notepad with even a smaller pen next to it with the hotel initials imprinted, next to the telephone in the hall of the suite. She grabbed them and hurriedly walked back to the piano.  
Slipping back onto the piano bench she set the notepad and pen on top of it, her hands hesitated for a moment before finding their rightful place on it. She could not remember the last time she had written all by herself or the last time she had played a piano either. The new album, her breakup with Deacon, her new relationship, the tour, all the craziness her life had been cluttered up with for the past year had somehow made her cut ties with the muses. She drew in a breath and then pressed those few keys again with the pads of her fingertips, that pretty melody already carved in her memory.  
Detaching her attention from the keys she took the notepad in her left hand and the pen with her right, using her mouth she uncapped it and then draw a set of five horizontal lines down on it and repeated the same motion until the page was filled with staffs. Rayna stared down at the notepad page, still holding the pen's cap between her lips, and then started filling those lines and spaces with notes. She could feel a great song coming along already as different ideas shaped in her head. Rayna could not believe she had gone so long without writing, she felt a sense of peace scattering from her core to her edges. The past 24 hours had been intense to put it mildly and to finally feel her muscles and nerves relax a little bit, was a real treat. She had forgotten how good that creative process felt and surprisingly so, considering it was hers and Deacon's post sex favorite pastime. She giggled to herself whilst memories of good ol' times started running through her mind. Her heart skipped a beat when too recent memories rushed back to her. The ambulance's ride, the hospital, the kiss, the fight.  
She blew out a shaky breath and the pen's cap dropped to her lap. A sob shook her body as tears began cascading down her eyes. She had tried and tried with him, she had probably tried everything, Tandy was right. Yet it felt like it wasn't enough. Rayna desperately wanted for him to go back to being the man she knew, the man she wanted, the man she loved. But if she was being honest with herself, with time she had learned to love that new Deacon as well, with all his flaws, in all his weakness.  
Turning the page of her notepad, she watched as the black ink formed the words _'This is the window to my heart'_ on the blank yellowish paper. '_I just want you to be free' _a tear wetted the page, '_There ain't no freedom where we are' _she continued scribbling down_. 'Ain't no wishes in these stars', _her tremulous breathing following through the scraping of the pen against the paper_. 'Ain't no reason to believe' _Rayna stopped and looked at the five lines she had just written and exhaled deeply, before dropping both the pen and the notepad next to her on the bench.  
Her fingers reached for the keyboard again and she started moving them along it, pressing down and pulling up black and white keys together. She played that twenty seconds long melody again and again until she was sure it was exactly what she was looking for and transferred it on her self-made music sheet. That mellow sound was going perfectly along with her memories, their memories. All of them, the good ones and the bad ones. Even the ugly ones, that she had found herself collecting more and more as months went by. She believed in them and she believed in him, but she had lost faith in herself. She didn't have any strength left to fight against him and his demons by herself, she needed him to understand he had to stand up to them too. And maybe the only way to do that was to take a step back, to let him hold the reins all by himself. They had never tried that in the past, they had never tried to deduct the Rayna factor to that equation. Maybe if he thought he had lost her forever he would turn around, maybe he would finally see things clear.  
"Maybe" Rayna mumbled looking out of the window. There had better be a different ending for them, they deserved it. Whether she was simply deceiving herself or just dreaming with eyes wide open, didn't matter right now to her. She needed to hold that hope close to her heart, it probably wasn't right, but it felt okay and at the moment, okay was more than enough.  
She dried her eyes with the back of her hand and went back to writing some more lyrics for that beautiful tune. '_But don't worry baby, Don't you worry' _She softly smiled_. 'Maybe this is what we need' _Rayna's eyes followedthe movements the pen she was holding between her index and middle finger closely. '_A little bruising, a little bleeding' _she was slowly reaching the end of that small page. '_Some space that we can breathe in' _She inhaled and exhaled deeply a couple of times, her mind swimming against a flood of good times and bad times, of laughter and tears, looking for the right words to end that first verse with. The image of them standing silent in that hospital room that morning tickled the back of her mind. '_Some silence in between', _she wrote down at last_.  
_Her eyes darted across those few lyrics once again before she positioned the notepad in front of her on the piano and let her fingers dance across the keyboard. This time her voice joined the music coming out of the piano creating a bewitching harmony. She began to sing and all the tension she had accumulated in her muscles and nerves during that day disappeared. Rayna played the last notes of what was about to become one of her favorite songs of hers and decided to shut that window to her heart closed. It had rained enough inside through it for one day.

**TBC**


End file.
